My REAL Resume

Tags: stock boy, day laborer, gypsy cabbie, CEO, COO, computer consultant, pimp, loan shark, enforcer, bag man, security guard, bodyguard, aircraft mechanic, mailhandler, civil service fencepost inspector, engineer, graphic artist, factotum, magazine editor, newspaper editor, international foreign war correspondant, photographer, soldier, subcontractor, brick jiggerer, milk jugger, pre-press operator, cameraman, slumlord, cartoonist, columnist, publisher, pollster, speechwriter, technical writer, journalist, short order cook, cashier, convenience store manager, headhunter, videographer, viral video, poet, jarvis, firealarm salesman, warehouse manager, house painter, film stripper, color separator, Scitex operator, pasteup man, graphics designer, typesetter, copyeditor, managing editor, rounder

            My electronic resume is sending me some strange matches lately. I might have to revise it. But I wonder what would happen if I wrote a brutally honest resume. What kind of matches would I get if I sent them the truth?

MY REAL RESUME
(Jobs listed in reverse chronological order)

Arco Stock boy----Beer humper. Some cash register.

Day Laborer----Driving auction cars, squeezing Starbucks caramel bags, riding garbage trucks.

Homeless Gypsy Cabby----Driving call girls and strippers to their appointments.

Dog House Sitter----Care and feeding of a Russian mastiff in HIS home

CEO, COO, Star Media Productions----Administrator

Computer Consultant----Systems Maintenance and Installation

Escort Agency Collector----Bag man duties.

Bag Man----Contract negotiations. Loan shark enforcer.

Self Employed----Loan shark.

Self Employed----Manager of floating poker games.

Political Speech Writer----Nate Holden Campaign

Self Employed----Freelance graphic artist.

Pre-Press Operator----Computer pre-press.

Magazine Editor----National Notary Magazine

Graphic Artist----Computer graphic arts.

Civil Service----Aircraft mechanic.

Editor----News magazine.

Publisher----Underground newspaper.

Security Guard----Brewery

Salesman----Vulcan Fire Alarms, Commercial Real Estate

Convenience Store Manager----Stocking and Inventory Control

Self Employed----Landlord/Slumlord

Self Employed----Paint Subcontractor

Warehouse Manager----Employee and Inventory Control

U.S. Military----Newspaper Editor, Information Specialist

Not to mention Milk Jugger, Brick Jiggerer, Short Order Cook, Taxicab Driver and Mass Transit Pollster

Residences vary from living under bridges and in abandoned warehouses to a Chevy Lumina to a dog guest house to a stilt house on top of the Hollywood Hills. Currently residing in a crack motel.